Forgetting

April 1, 2011

I am terrified of forgetting.

The little things… you know, like the smell of a newborn. I can hardly remember it, less than nine months later.

There’s so much I don’t want to forget. Like the feel of a sleeping baby on my chest. The imprint of an ear left on my skin.

Baby giggles, his belly laughs. How I felt when he smiled at me for the first time.

The relieved, blissful look on his face when he’s hungry and finally latches on. The sound of a nursing baby, the swallowing.

The silly expressions; the way he raises his eyebrows and I can tell exactly what he’s thinking. (I hope that doesn’t go away.)

The weight of him in my arms, increasing every day. How he gets heavier as he gives in to sleep.

The babbling. The nonsense words. How proud he is when he figures out a new sound and has to repeat it over and over (and over) again.

His creamy skin and perfectly pink cheeks. The fatty folds in his thighs, the way his hair curls slightly just behind his ears.

Those quiet moments in the middle of the night, when it’s only the two of us awake. Sleepy, treasured time.

How bittersweet things can be. How proud I am when he figures out something new, but then have to fight back tears because he’s big enough to roll over, or cut a tooth, or eat solid foods. It’s like I have to pack away outgrown clothes and toys faster than I can pull out the new stuff. I can’t keep up.

I’m already forgetting. What was the exact color of his eyes when he was just a week old? What did I do that made him giggle for the first time?

I take pictures and pictures and more pictures, but they aren’t enough. They can’t capture the FEELING or the SMELL or the SOUND of this amazing little boy. How I feel when he shows his love in his own little ways.

But wasn’t it only yesterday when I got that positive pregnancy test? When I felt him move for the first time? When my water broke?

I look forward to the things we will do together in his life. The things we will learn, the things we will teach. Every day he gets more fun, more hilarious, more amazing. But damn it if it isn’t hard to let go of some of what we lose.

“Change is hard; you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.” [The Wonder Years]

So worth it.

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Thinking About Another

March 7, 2011

Yes, I mean baby.

Boy has this issue been on my mind a lot lately. When should we have our second child?

I have such mixed feelings about it all. There is no denying that I can’t stop thinking about it. That I miss being pregnant, that I miss some of the newborn stuff, that I like the idea of a second child. Is it just because my son is getting so big? Is it a way of holding on? Or are we really ready?

I can answer that question with a resounding NO. We are not ready. I am more ready than my husband, for sure. It’s something we “discuss” but we never really finish the conversation. I think he still feels overwhelmed sometimes with the one (as do I) and has trouble with the idea of adding another baby into the equation… but I wish he’d look at the whole picture with me. We approach things from different angles on this topic, that’s for sure.

I like the idea of having children who are very close in age. I know my husband does as well; we both have huge age gaps between our siblings (and are both the youngest), and we don’t want that for our children. Yes, it would be a lot of work to have them close together, and I’m sure it would be exhausting and stressful. But they’d be so close. You could do all the baby stuff in one stage, then move on to the next.

But then… then I think about my beautiful son. How could I ever love another baby this much? How could I share my love? Of course, I know that’s silly, obviously you don’t love your first child less because you have a second child, you don’t share your love (just your time) and I know your heart and your ability to love just grows.

I’m so torn. I don’t want to miss out on my son’s firsts. I don’t want to be preoccupied. I want to enjoy it all.


It goes fast.

But does that mean I wouldn’t enjoy it all if I was pregnant, if we had another baby, if I got to see him love and interact with a sibling? Would he benefit more by having my full attention for a few more years, or would it be easier for him to adjust sooner to having a sibling?

Too many questions and so few answers. I know there isn’t a right or a wrong when it comes to this situation. Right now, I don’t even think I could conceive if I wanted to try (my period still hasn’t returned). And what if we have troubles? But it’s weird to think that, if I got pregnant right this second, G would already be about a year and half old when the baby was born. I don’t know what the best age gap is… 2 years? 3 years? less or more? I don’t know. But it’s on my mind. Oh, it’s on my mind…

Thanksgiving

November 26, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving. πŸ™‚

Last year on Thanksgiving, I knew I was pregnant but we hadn’t shared it with anyone yet. Well, other than my best friend (since first grade), who I told before my husband even knew… he was out of town and I had to tell SOMEONE about it.

I was battling my “morning” sickness and trying to play off the fact that I wasn’t drinking, even though I was quite the social drinker and had at least a few glasses of wine or a couple cocktails at any family gathering.

We told people about two weeks later, after my first doctor appointment. But boy was that a tough Thanksgiving! I had so much to be thankful for but I hate hiding things.

We had a wonderful first REAL Thanksgiving with G today.

Hanging out with Grandma… his shirt says, “My Grandma Makes the Best Turkey” πŸ™‚

I love my family. I am really lucky. My husband is actually still hanging out with my family… he’s staying up with them for awhile, playing cards and having a good time, before he braves the crowds with my aunt at 3am (is he freaking crazy?! lol).

I, on the other hand, opted to stay up late and take advantage of some of the internet sales going on, starting at midnight. While watching Roseanne. J gave me the go-ahead to order some cloth diapering stuff that I wanted for G. Not that we really need anything else, but I find it fun and we’re still saving money by not buying all those disposables each month… anything that makes changing diapers more fun should definitely be encouraged. Right? Right.

Anyhow, I scored some great deals and I’m hoping I get some of the free diapers or diapering accessories that are being given away. I already know I have a few free things coming to me, the rest is the luck of the draw. I’m currently waiting for theΒ Rockin’ Green website to come back up… I guess a LOT of other eager CDers wanted to take advantage of their sale, too. I love their detergent (a review and giveaway will be coming up in the near future) and am excited to stock up on it for a great price.

I used to get this excited over sales on designer bags. What happened? If you had told me a couple of years ago that I’d be stalking cloth diaper sales and trying to buy diaper detergent at 2am on Black (or “Green”) Friday, I’d have said you were nuts! πŸ˜‰

One Year

November 1, 2010

My husband and I have now been married for a whole year.


(my “something blue”)

And, not to be explicit, but that means that our son was conceived a year ago (give or take a day). Our little wedding gift.

Where did this year go? It’s been the fastest year of my life.

From wedding to baby… what a year it’s been. Hope you all had a wonderful Halloween. It’s a very special day for us!

Worth her weight in gold

October 5, 2010

I am referring to a good doula.

One of the best decisions I made during my pregnancy was getting a doula. And not just any doula… it’s important to find one that you are comfortable with and trust.

I had a hospital birth. If you are hoping to have a natural labor and delivery in a hospital, I highly recommend you have a doula present. Mine made me feel confident in my decisions and was able to coach me and my husband through the most incredible pain I’ve ever experienced (and I say “incredible” in two ways: 1) holy shit that effing hurts really bad; and 2) wow it is amazing what our bodies can do!).

Working with a doula BEFORE you’re in labor is so so so helpful. I think that was the most important part of my doula experience. She gave me so much to think about and really helped me prepare for what I was about to experience.

I am a planner. A list maker. It was important to me to have a well-thought-out birth plan. She really helped me keep it focused and gave me new things to consider (like what I wanted to do if I changed my mind about certain things, like pain medication, as well as how to handle things that may not go as planned).

Another wonderful benefit of having a doula was for AFTER you’re in labor. The attention you receive from your doula will vary, but mine visited me in the hospital and came to our house (with homemade veggie lasagna!) after we were home to make sure we were coping okay. To make sure breastfeeding was going well. To make sure we weren’t feeling overwhelmed. To see how *I* was doing. And, let me tell you, a lot of people come over during those early weeks and most have one thing in mind: baby. Some people didn’t seem to care a whole lot how I was doing, but rather wanted to hold a clean, happy baby. Only a handful of people offer to really help (holding the baby doesn’t help a new mother, and neither does waking a sleeping baby so you can see him while he’s awake or expecting a beverage to be placed in your hand within minutes of your arrival; making sure the mom is eating and showering and the dishes are clean and she’s getting some sleep does help).

Okay, I’m getting off track now. But I will wrap this up by saying that a good doula really is worth her weight in gold, as cliched as that may sound. I will absolutely have my doula for my next baby, and would recommend one to anyone who wants to be completely in charge of her own labor and delivery.

Pregnancy is awesome.

January 8, 2010

I had another ultrasound today.

Baby is growing like CRAZY. It was doing jumping jacks and moving all over in there.

Everything looks great and Baby is measuring a little bit ahead of schedule.

And it actually LOOKS like a baby in there now. What a little miracle… it’s amazing how two people can create something like that.

Swine flu, oh my

January 6, 2010

Just got my H1N1 vaccine.

At Walgreens, of all places. Pregnant little me and about 1400 elderly people.

The guy that gave the shot was a pro and I could hardly feel it (though I was all excited for a second when he said I could get the nasal spray instead of the shot… then he looked down and said, “Oh, you’re pregnant. Never mind, shot it is!” or something like that). Anyhow, I would like for him to give me all my shots from now on, please.

First ultrasound!

December 22, 2009

Amazing amazing amazing.

We saw–and heard–a strong heartbeat. They advanced my due date by a couple of days. It was amazing how much we could see! It’s starting to look like a little baby in there.

I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. It’s going to be a very merry Christmas.

…la la la la, la la laaaa.

I absolutely cannot believe that Christmas is almost here.

It’s been this quiet beast that is creeping up on us.

We’re doing pretty well as far as presents go… we need to order a few photo prints and pick up a few last minute items, but most of the big stuff is taken care of. All of our family gift exchange gifts are purchased–we do a white elephant on my side and draw names on my husband’s side–so here’s to another year of not getting kicked out of the family. I kid, I kid.

It’s weird that this will be our last Christmas as just the two of us! Next year we’ll be waking up with our baby and having Christmas morning together as a family.

In other news… I am doing my best to get my writing back on track. I have a writing goal/magic number for each day, and last Thursday was the first day since I’ve been pregnant that I was able to meet that. I’m hoping to each day this week as well.

Next week will be a struggle for my writing. Our first ultrasound is on Monday (I’ll be a day shy of 9 weeks) and Tuesday my niece has her Christmas program, so I can’t miss that. And then Christmas is Friday. Still in shock over that one! Where did this year go?

Let me count the ways.

So for the first two weeks of my pregnancy (well, that I was aware that I was pregnant), things were going really well. A bit of nausea (HA! or what I then thought was nausea) and fatigue, but nothing major. I considered myself lucky; I had heard horror stories.

Well. I am now in week six and hot damn, it has hit me. On Monday I took three, count ’em, THREE naps. Not little ones, either. One was at least two hours. Also on Monday, my “morning” sickness kicked in and I haven’t felt good since.

Extreme tiredness + all day nausea (made worse when I sit up for too long or, heaven forbid, stand up) + ability to only focus for approximately four minutes = nightmare for a freelance writer.

Pre-pregnancy, I would wake up pretty early and start writing after I had my first mug of coffee, and by noon I was done with a few articles and could take a long lunch before cranking out a few more articles, only to be totally done by 4 or 5:00.

Today, I got out of bed at noon, couldn’t stomach any coffee, and it’s after 6:00 and I have only done some research for my first article.

Until I start feeling better (*fingers crossed that it lightens up withing a few weeks*) it looks like I’ll be working evenings, since that’s when I feel the “best.”

I know this all sounds very whiny, but I must say that knowing these symptoms are there because of my baby growing inside of me… well, that makes it all worth it. Also, I get to hold this over my kid’s head some day! Totally worth it.