Up and Down. Onward and Upward.

May 8, 2012

My days have been full of ups and downs lately.

The ups are so beautiful. Have you ever had a 21 month old kiss your pregnant belly? Give you a hug when you really need it, while saying, “Ohhhhh”? Look at you like you’re the most amazing person ever because you pressed a button and The Price is Right came on? Nursed your toddler while holding his hand over your bare belly, feeling those little kick-kick-kicks together? Clipped little finger nails that still had dried paint under them?

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The downs are… ugly. Realizing that your grandmother is someone hard for you to be around is rough. Feeling like a bad wife and mother, well, that’s no fun. Feeling judged as a mother by so many people? Not having the energy to play outside with your kid (and being secretly thankful for a rainy day)? Eff off.

Overall, though, things have been good. And we got a “new” car and I am in love with it.

I have been nesting. Or trying to nest, wanting to nest. It is so much harder to prepare the second time around. You’d think it would be the other way around; you have been there and done that, you have most of the things you need already, you feel so much more capable of bringing another human being into this world and maybe even keeping it alive.

But it’s an uphill battle to find stretches of time to work on things. You cannot paint a room with a toddler around. It is hard to sort through clothes with his “help.” Your husband needs to work on the yard/go to softball practice/drive to another state/whatever. Or, dammit, you just want to lounge on the couch and drink coffee and watch reruns of Roseanne.

We decided to keep our son’s room for the new baby. So our sweet little Grant is moving into a big boy room very soon. It is so bittersweet. Wasn’t I just painting that nursery for him? Filling it with things I needed, things I thought I needed, pretty things I thought mattered? A room so filled with anticipation of things to come. I sat in there with my beagle, alone with the realization of ‘holy shit that test was positive’ and wondered what it would all be like.

Yesterday I started in on his new room. It is going to be cute. He is going to like it. But, damn it, it is hard to think about him outgrowing that nursery. So I am conflicted, because the nesting instinct can be a strong one. I could probably work for 24 hours straight and get everything perfect and organized in both rooms. But my husband keeps me in check. “No, we will go to Target after it’s painted.” And our son keeps me in check, because he is not very patient and does not care that I am trying to make his new room pretty for him.

And, in a few days, when his room is beautiful and done and ready for him, I will cry because he will spend his last night (or half night, when he joins us in our bed) in his baby room. Onward and upward.

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