“It all went by so fast.”

July 11, 2011

First, if you’re a mom and you’re reading this, please listen to this beautiful beautiful song by Dar Williams, called “The One Who Knows.”

If you’re an emotional, pathetic sap like myself, you may cry. But I am pretty sure I’m just a freak.

I danced to that song with my mom at my wedding. I’ll always remember that. It was one of the first songs that I put on my son’s nursery playlist. I still remember one afternoon when my son was a newborn, and I was putting laundry away while he laid in his crib watching me. I started crying at the words of the song, the meaning. I stopped with the clothes and I picked him up instead, and I remember slow dancing with him in the quiet of his room. I had heard the song multiple times before, but at that moment, in that context… it all just hit me. I was a mother. This little life in my arms was my own, my heart.

And, for some reason, tonight I am torturing myself by listening to it tonight, while I am having a hard time. My husband is upstairs, as I type this, moving our son’s crib into his room. We side-carred it to our bed when he was 3 months old, in order to continue co-sleeping and give us some extra room. I loved it like that. It was one of the best decisions we made, and I plan on doing it again right away with our next baby.

However, a couple of months ago he started moving himself right into our bed shortly after he fell asleep (sometimes I would bring him into my side, but he also slept well in his own area). So we haven’t been using the crib at all, and he’s just right in bed with us now.

The crib is just a burden in there at this point, taking up a lot of room. I want it in his room, so we can start having him take some naps in it, and start having him start out the night in it (then bringing him to bed with us when he wakes up to nurse, then eventually getting him to sleep in there all night. *sob*).

My husband let me make the call as to when to move it, and it really is what I want. But for some reason, I’m so SAD that we’re moving that darn bed! And it’s only going to make things easier on all of us. I guess it’s just symbolic. It was how we co-slept. Other than having a toddler bedrail on my side of the bed, our room will look the way it did before we had him.

Am I crazy or what? And yes, if you have to ask, I’m crying right now.

I’m just feeling very emotional this week. We are counting down the DAYS to his first birthday. DAYS, people. DAYS. No longer months or even weeks. It’s THIS SATURDAY.

And I really am excited. We have a fun party planned and I am so proud of my little boy. He’s the coolest kid in the world.

But damn it’s hard letting go of babyhood.

Grant has no idea how hard it is on me, of course. He’s yanking me into toddlerhood right along with him. And it’s so much fun, and I love the boy he’s becoming. I don’t have a choice but to accept it, because he doesn’t give me a choice. You see, little babies don’t do the things he does. Within ONE HOUR today, he did the following: crawled as fast as possible to the power cords (because he knew I was coming for him), threw a temper tantrum because I wouldn’t let him have my coffee, bit my arm, tried to feed our dog his lunch, tried to take the batteries out of the remote control, and splashed in the dogs’ water dish. There are definitely times when I just want to hold him tight against me and say, “Please, my sweet boy. Stay little. Fall asleep on my chest and don’t worry about what you’re missing out on.”

That’s life, isn’t it? We can’t slow down time. We can’t press “pause” or “rewind.” Even if we desperately want to hold on for dear life. We have to accept it and embrace it and enjoy the ride… or you miss out on it.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It doesn’t mean I’ll get through it without a lot of tears. But I pair those tears with lots of kisses, and laughs, and hugs. And I get down on the floor and tackle the world with my son, and shriek and clap my hands as he learns something new… even though my heart aches a little every time. Pride mixed with loss. But when you let some things go, you make room for a whole world of wonderful new things.

I’m feeling more and more ready for the next step. Just smile and wink at me when you notice a tear, or pretend not to notice how sentimental I am. Almost one year later, I am still blown away by how much love is in my heart. I can’t wait to see what’s to come.

Dar Williams is sure right, though, especially about this year. “It all went by so fast.”

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2 Responses to ““It all went by so fast.””

  1. (((((())))) You probably don’t want to listen to the song “you’re going to miss this.” right now either ha. If I sing you are my sunshine and think about it, I get teary eyed.. but THANKFULLY my emotions have finally gotten abck under control so i don’t immediately start crying.. i can hide it ha. we still have isla in the room with us and we talk about moving her but we dont have a/c and it is so dang hot and we need to get another fan for her room, and do this and this.. and yeah, we come up with excuses. but i figure by fall when it is cooler she will move.. or my hubby kicks her out hahah..

    • Thank you. 🙂

      haha, yes, I have cried to that song before, too!

      We started out with Grant in the Pack ‘n Play (bassinet) next to the bed. He outgrew it when he was about 3 months old (’cause he was a TANK) so we had to make the decision about whether we’d move him into his own room or not. I just couldn’t… co-sleeping was the only thing that felt right for us. I really thought my husband would fight it. I didn’t even bring it up for awhile, but when I said that I thought we should side-car the bed he agreed right away and said he liked having him in our room, and that it was my call since I was the one taking care of him all night.

      Every family is different, of course. Just make sure you do what feels best for you and Isla. I was prepared to fight to co-sleep because, while I love my husband and our relationship is important, I also wouldn’t have gotten much sleep with Grant in the other room (between worrying and breastfeeding multiple times a night), and probably would have started to really resent my husband. And at this point in our life, I do place our son’s needs above my husband’s desires. And I also wanted to do what would give everyone the most amount of sleep.

      Some families, on the other hand, do better without co-sleeping. Some babies sleep better in their own space. Some couples really need that time together without a baby. I hope whatever you choose to do works out well for you all!

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