Are You Sentimental?

May 23, 2011

Or, better yet, a big fat crybaby?

Man oh man. I’m sorry to write about this again, but a few days ago it hit me all over again. My boy is getting big.

I know, I know. I’m stating the obvious. I need to get over it. All mothers go through it, all children grow up, yadda yadda yadda.

But when it hits me, it hits me HARD. And, when it hit me late last week, it hit me harder than it ever has before. I was SOBBING. My poor husband had to try to console me while I talked about wanting to hold on tight, how sad I was at the thought of moving him into his own room, and don’t even get me started on the fact that he won’t be nursing some day. And remember how it was only yesterday when I was pregnant, and we’d lie in bed and feel him kick?

Good lord, I’m already feeling sorry for this poor child’s kindergarten teacher. I’ll probably just spend his first day driving in circles around the school (crying, of course) waiting for him to come home. And then a concerned citizen will call the police and my son will have to tell me about his first day of school over my one phone call.

Please tell me I’m not alone in this? This isn’t hormones. Right? I mean, I remember feeling out of whack and a bit hormonal after Grant was born, but this is deep in my gut emotion. Is this just motherhood? I’ve always been a sentimental person, and I’ve always been one to dwell on change and nostalgia and trying to hold on to memories… but this is a whole new level of sentimentality and emotion.

Don’t get me wrong, of course… I absolutely love the person my son is becoming. Today, for example, was one of those days where you look at them and they just look older. His hair looked longer, his face looked more mature. He looked less babyish (*sniff*). He was stronger and braver and did more. And it’s so damn exciting! He has such a great personality, and there were several times throughout the day where we looked at each other and both just started cracking up. He’s awesome. I’m genuinely excited to watch him grow. I have so much to look forward to, and I’m excited for so many things we get to do together as he gets older.

But, if you have any advice on letting go, and accepting that they get bigger, I would certainly love to hear it. I am hoping this just means that I am a good mother. I look at my baby and know that he deserves all of the love I have in my heart. He’ll just have to get used to the fact that, sometimes, I show it by crying buckets of tears or kissing him too much (is there such a thing?).

In other news… Saturday was the opening weekend of our local farmer’s market. The pickings were a bit slim, of course (it’s May and we live pretty far north) but it was still so nice to go there. The weather was beautiful, too.

Thank goodness for that Ergo carrier. I sure cherish that extra snuggle time, especially as he grows.


2 Responses to “Are You Sentimental?”

  1. mamalooma said

    Yes and yes to the first two questions asked!

    There are some really tough moments all the time! Even though being with my two littles is draining, I just love being with them. It’s hard for me to think about Finn going to school someday. You’re right though, it is very fun to watch who they become. Overall, remember that in the grand scheme he *IS* still little. The age where Greta is now, almost exactly, is how old Finn was when I got pregnant with Greta. At the time I thought he was so old, and now I realize what a baby he still was! : ( It makes me a bit sad to think about, actually. I really shoved him out of the last sweet months of breastfeeding and real true babyhood, just because I was so tired and ill. That’s the hardest for me to think about! I really miss my babies as newborns sometimes, but I also really love who they are becoming. But yeah, seeing photos of them as newborns just makes me want to bawl sometimes. It goes too fast.

    • I was hoping you’d comment. 🙂

      I try to keep that in mind. That he IS still young. I know I do a pretty good job of living in the moment with him and enjoying everything (and I’m soooo lucky to be home with him). But yeah, it’s hard sometimes to realize how fast it’s going by. I have to remind myself sometimes that he’s “only x months.” Or I make myself feel better by thinking things like, “We might only be about halfway through nursing” or “We can wait to move him into his own bed when we are BOTH ready.”

      Sigh. It doesn’t help that I’m so nostalgic and can’t stop myself from thinking about how I’ll never again be pregnant for the first time, or experience all these things this way, and stuff like that. Stop it, brain!

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